I had planned to post another blog that I had prepared earlier on during the course of last week however I feel led to share something different today. I want to talk about relationships well not really relationships but what you should know before getting into one.

I don’t know if you read my previous post on relationships ‘Things I wish I knew When I was Single…’ http://thingsiwishiknewwheniwassingle.blogspot.co.ke/ I just feel led to share because in as much as there are things I wish I knew when I was single, I also wish that I had someone to show/tell me the important things before getting into a relationship. Well actually I wish I did my own research; I’m fortunate enough to be alive and reasonably young in this age of information and technology. I have access to nearly all types of information at my fingertips. So instead of even expecting to have someone tell/show me, I should have done my research…

Anyway enough with my ‘aha moment’… Now before I get into it;

I have a few disclaimers, what I’m going to share is from my experience and I also have a very heavy heart while I share this and lastly I am sharing for the purpose of helping anyone out there who reads these blogs who may be going through the same thing; or to help someone not to fall into a problematic situation that they can avoid.

Make God first always!!!

I know that I usually leave the most important point for last but this time round it has to be first. God has to come first in all of your relationship statuses whether you’re single, married, engaged, divorced, cohabiting, adulterous you name it… Even those in the LGBT community, God has to be first; He has to be your first love.

Explore your relationship with your first love first before getting into any type of romantic relationship (I know that this may be controversial because maybe there’s some of you who met your significant others before you even had a relationship with God…. This is just my two cents on it). You should establish your relationship with God, revel in it, establish yourself in it, learn how to pray how to hear from Him, how to read and study His word.

This will be such a great foundation for all your relationships (not just romantic relationships). The greatest foundation!!! He’s your biggest cheerleader, He wants the best for you always even when it seems like He’s nowhere to be found and He has your back at all times even when you’ve messed up (like seriously messed up).

Know Yourself

What do I mean by ‘Know Yourself’? I mean have a sense of self. That’s as simply as I can put it. This is incredibly important for both men and ladies and I guess this is why we’re discouraged from getting involved in romantic relationships before a certain age…. (although I don’t subscribe to age being a determinant of having a sense of self…because I’ve met very young people who have developed a sense of self very early on….)

Life is a Journey

Knowing yourself is a lifelong process even now I am discovering things about myself that shock me and I see that in some aspects I keep changing and growing… Self-discovery before committing yourself to another person is extremely important. Usually what tends to happen when you meet someone especially someone that you’re smitten by is that you merge and somehow become one person; you accommodate each other in such a way that your likes and dislikes are almost identical, in some cases even character traits begin to merge and become very similar. It is very easy to lose yourself during this stage of a relationship… this intensity of this ‘merging/ becoming one’ usually phases out after a while of dating/courting when your true character and personality traits start to come out in the open….. I like to think of it as undressing and being completely naked (not in the physical sense). In fact once you both begin to ‘undress’ (again not in the physical sense) you discover lots of dissimilarities and traits that you really dislike about each other… (traits that you’ll eventually have to accept if you decide to marry this person).

So why is it extremely important to have a sense of self? It’s because you’ll end up losing yourself in the relationship, you’ll put unrealistic hopes and expectations on your partner and your relationship which will end up putting a great toll on the both of you both as individuals and as a couple and eventually you’ll become a burden to your partner. The way I see it is

that God created us in his likeness i.e. in his image which means that He has equipped us with everything that we need for this journey we call life therefore knowing what He has equipped you with; knowing yourself is really important in order to live the life He intended you to live.

Know What You Want

I can foresee many people disagreeing with this point… (which is very okay ^.^). You need to know what you want in your partner (personality, character traits, religious beliefs, looks, family background, social status, financial status, employment status/prospects, education background, political views, hobbies, ambition/drive, values, dreams, life goals &vision etc), you also need to know what you want in your relationship (love, financial success, children, close knit ties/networks with extended family members, joint businesses etc...You need to know your vision for your future family and relationship. Now bear in mind that I don’t mean having unrealistic/ unfair expectations. Also bear in mind that I am very aware that life is unpredictable and as a Christian I know that in as much as you can know all of the above, God’s will in your life is what you subscribe to.

When you meet someone you can foresee a future with, and as you get to know each other before dating/courting, you need to  really ask yourself whether he/she matches what you want (again I need to emphasis no unrealistic/unfair expectations). If he/she doesn’t match what you want, does he have the potential to match what you require in the future? Are you willing to gamble and stay with them and find out whether they’ll achieve to match what you want in the future?

These are really tough questions to think about and to ask yourself and because of that the tendency is to get carried away in the newness and sweetness of meeting that potential someone.

After you’ve made the decision to court/date and after you’re both well established in the relationship, that is when you start giving thought to what you had originally wanted. And more often than not it becomes very hard to suddenly start thinking about the things that you want because you’re already in too deep (way too deep some cases even days before your wedding day). Your partner may even feel that they are being unfairly attacked; they may even ask “why are you bringing up this (insert particular topic/thing here) now and not before?’ or “This hasn’t bothered you until now…why the sudden change? What is this really about?...”

I hope you’re getting the gist of what I’m trying to convey. If too many of your needs are being unmet the relationship becomes stifling, hard and unbearable and this leads to very many negative things. It tends to bring out the worst in both partners which is truly unfortunate and sad. And because relationships are not a two people affair especially in the African and Kenyan context…(what I mean is the involvement of dear friends, family members and loved ones of both partners). Things can get very dicey, sticky, uncomfortable and truly awkward. I suppose that is why in most African settings it is customary to only introduce your future affirmed partner not just anyone whom you have an interest in or anyone you can see potential in. African mamas and papas are not about that life!!!!!

That’s it for now. I know this post is somewhat heavy and probably grim. However as I said I have a very heavy heart and also this is a subject that is rarely discussed in such a manner… sometimes it’s good to just let things be as they are we don’t always have to paint a rosy glaze over them. Right? (maybe it’s just me…)

Thank you again for reading ^.^ and as always I really want to hear from you and interact with you so please leave a comment. Stay blessed and look forward to another post on Wednesday.